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Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
~Mary Elizabeth Frye. |
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I guess today will be a bit of a rant more than any sort of diary. I just need to write to work through and what better place than the lovely interweb?
The smaller thing: my bank sent me a very unobtrusive piece of mail about a month ago, saying that I would soon be charged a monthly maintenance fee for my checking account because it is in a package that gives my savings account a reasonable interest rate for once. I will add that I got this package, leaving a bank that my Mom started me at when I was in single digits, because that bank lowered my rates without even informing me. So at least this bank told me, and gave me a way to avoid it...an automatic transfer of at least $10 a month from the checking into the savings. So I did that, planning to transfer the $$ right back if I need to.
I called about 2 weeks ago because I made a whoops on my account with my rent check, being distracted by many other things, and over-drafted. Having worked for a bank/credit card company before, I know that they'll usually waive one fee . . . as a "courtesy" and if you ever get a rep like I was, they'll waive any fee you ask for because they know that your credit card/bank is trying to screw you out of all the money they can. Anyway, on this call I got the fee waived, and confirmed that my automatic, $50 transfer (more than required) would qualify to waive that monthly maintenance fee.
Lo and behold this morning I take my daily look at my accounts/budget program and I am missing $6.95. I know it seems like small beans but I am going back to school for gosh sakes, every penny is going to count, also because Jake wants us to visit each other now - that's a big plane ticket or two every few months. So I call again, keeping my temper in check, I talk, and they correct their error. That should satisfy me. My checking /savings/credit package has cost me nothing more than a checkbook fee. But I feel like they are probably screwing over plenty of other people who 1. don't know how to play the system, or 2. don't know how to keep track of their money and so they won't even notice for a while. I am just so disappointed; somehow I'm taking it a little bit personally - this big bank is trying to eek out a bit more profit, I get that. But less than a year after I move all of my measly savings into their system, they try to charge me for it. As if anywhere I try to keep my money safe has to have constant supervision, may as well keep it under my mattress - might save me more time and frustration that the measly interest is worth.
Note: I have been fighting kleptomania for years...no, I've been fighting it for months, I've suffered from it for years. I like to steal, its a rush. I like feeling like I got something from someone who doesn't need it. And then my bike got robbed. It was locked up so they just took the wheels. But still. I felt so violated and betrayed and stupid. I will never steal again. And I feel like the corporations of the world, those people to whom I entrust my money, should be above even the worry of such a thing, but they aren't and it hurts.
The medium thing: the woman who I considered to be my best friend for the past few years has...changed. I won't deny that I've changed too, but she is constantly getting into situations that she names "shit shows." I supposed I once would have been right there with her now and then, helping her out and supporting her - telling her shes still a good person and things will get better. But I can't keep lying, and they were lies back then too - only I was convincing myself because I didn't feel much better about my situation. So my lies about myself came true for once, things did straighten out and improve . . . mostly (see below).
But that path is so dependent on luck. I fucked up big time with the most important man in my life a few years ago. That woke me up to the selfish, naive way I was living. The fact that he forgave me and we worked through the pain and distrust made me a better person - if only to deserve the love he gave and the sacrifices he made. Not that he was blameless, and I think he came to understand that. Maybe we all forget our part in the hard times that happen to us (see above, I trust a bank...in the echoes of Enron and our recession...what the fuck am I thinking). So I understand that not everyone will lead a life like mine, I don't expect anyone to have it as easy as me.
This best friend makes it harder on herself. For a while I could blame it on her nice looks and good heart - she gets taken advantage of. Or her home-schooled naivety. Or bad luck. And yes, that combination would fuck anyone up. But she is intelligent enough to graduate from College, to get a degree in ENR and English. She has read about the world, she has seen some of the world, she has experienced many different people and situations. It's about time to grow up and acknowledge her own weaknesses, as well as the bad in people around her, and adapt to those truths. Instead she blames booze and makes drama wherever she goes. Apparently there was some thing on my birthday, I was in a happy alcohol-induce bubble, knowing that my friends would take care of me.
Then she started attacking me. I made the usual comments about her needing to respect herself more, perhaps - saying that her age-old-ex (sleep together while he's around, no matter who else he's dating/fucking, get chlamydia from him for her 21st birthday and still keep going back for more) is bad for her. I wasn't trying to make her change, just commenting. I never judged her, I accepted her and suggested things when she said she wasn't happy. I I I I am so far beyond imperfect that my life is dependent on luck and love and guardian angels. So. She told me to have a nice life. And I think I will. I am heart broken that she doesn't want to share, but I'm done with hurting myself in caring for others. My heart aches but it can't take anyone else's self-involvement, I've got mine, my family's and my love's, maybe some space for the world but not a lot right now, I need to survive and grow myself so my resources are precious.
A mutual friend is sticking her nose where it doesn't belong and trying to make it 'better.' I don't even think I want it fixed right now. I will continue to be civil but there is a point where a person just falls off your radar - so be it. I can't imagine she's noticed my absence, it's not like we were that close lately, she had her new friends and party time and I had my job and my guy and my occasional indulgences, but that's about it, I can't live a life like hers. I tried to be there for her, but she never seemed to want me there. My heart is breaking and that is the end of that I guess. This summer won't be nearly as fun with that hanging over us. Time to leave Laramie again.
The big one: J and I are so happy together when we are together. But now he is leaving at the end of this week. Moving to Casper for his job. Then I'm leaving at the end of the Summer, moving to Louisiana for School. It needs to happen for so many reasons but as the reality grows closer and more real...he is becoming more loving and sad, and I am getting a bit colder and ready for a change. I love him. But we aren't at the right places in our lives to give up enough for each other. Everyone has to make sacrifices and I used him to put off my inevitable return to grad school for an extra year. This year has been great. But I didn't want to come back to Laramie and he wanted to leave - yet something in the world is keeping him here and making me leave. It is time I know, for me at least, but because he won't be leaving its all the more painful for him. Because I'm going to something new and fresh he is terrified that I'll move on and he'll be stuck. I'm scared about that too to be honest.
I guess I'm numb right now, just thinking about the summer because moving south is too much, approaching the unreal factor that lets me stick in comfy denial for a while. Love and Life will either work or not - talking to a friend who did this sort of thing, Wyoming to the West coast, she said you just have to accept that it sucks. And I'm used to that, we've done it...a lot...the first summer was about 2 months after we met, and he did a long season!! The second summer I fucked it up, but he took me back, and after summer ended I worked and he went to school, I traveled and he went to school, I lived in Denver, Fort Collins, and he went to school...I moved back to Laramie, and he went to Moab for the 3rd summer. We can make it through a 4th summer. He is too focused on after, on the thousands of miles. I'm not going to worry and feel bad and whatever - we'll be fine. Both of us are strong and smart, we'll figure out whats right!
He's hurting and I want to make it better, but I don't know how. He has been a major part of my life for over 3 years, I don't know if anyone else outside of my family has held such a status. S was close. M was close. I trusted them all and the women abandoned me (not that I'm high maintenance or anything, I just want to talk or hang out now and then, is that so much to ask when I don't want to be a constant presence hanging all the time and knowing everything?) Now life is pulling J and I apart, the one man who has confused me so much over the past years that I can't imagine being without him - except that I can. I shouldn't but I can. I expect that after a week or so things will crystallize one way or the other, I'll know if I am beginning to fade away from the love, or if this is just a defense mechanism because I can't cry all day every day until he leaves - especially not while we are together. It is so important for us to be together. I'm happy when I'm with him. I'm sad that we won't have an easy, perfect life. I see others putting on facades and trying to be perfect, we're past that and I'm so happy. I don't think I could get there with anyone else. But I think I need to know a little more before I make any more promises.
I feel so alive.Current Mood:  anxious Current Music: The Suburbs of Goa Station (Somafm) |
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Oct. 12th, 2010 @ 11:19 am
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"When in your life have you felt most alive?"
Riding the roller coasters after 8th grade, having walked around and kissed my first true boyfriend and roved with friends like we owned the place.
Wandering through (baca county, the scottish mountains, random cities in the states or europe) imagining myself in a story of heroic daring and special powers and romance and such. Talking to the wind/stars/trees.
Standing at the top of a mountain in the south of France, on the side of the road after riding my bike up - looking out over the sea. (I cried for all that my brother will miss then)
Hearing Jacob say he loved me too with a hint of surprise in his voice on our first New Years Eve together (Very early on January 1 2009)
Parasailing.
Snorkeling.
Sailing.
Biking.
Running.
Hopping over sagebrush giggling madly while camping on 4th of July weekend this year.
Dancing naked in the firelight in my home and watching my shadow.
Staying up all night wandering around town and falling asleep on David's couch with random people I barely new.
Wine tasting and castle touring in Amboise on Easter.
Riding our bikes to a castle a little ways outside of Tours - discovering this sweet park like a big adult playground.
Dancing on the rooftop of a building I passed almost every day.
Rockclimbing in Bishop, finishing a problem that we'd been working on for a while.
Rollerblading early in the morning instead of trying to go back to sleep.
Driving towards something good in beautiful weather with good music playing.
Walking through snow-covered wilderness.
Soaking in the beauty of ocean, mountains, plains, desert, caves, lakes, rolling hills.
Getting lost with no real place to be or time constraints.
Staying up all night in Barcelona - alone.
Getting in the car and feeling strange that I didn't have to pedal or walk in order to move.
This has turned into a list of my goood memories, not always the life-affirming times, but god, I've had such an amazing time in my life and I wonder how anyone can live life without taking advantage. I want to do more. Be more. I have the capacity. I just need to figure out how to use it - make a choice. I am purposeless and it is rotting away at my soul. But I am happy at the same time, happy about what I have - but not dead so I want more and different and such. My caption on my phone was 'working on being better' which really only lead me to feel guilty when I did the same old shit - so now it's Capacity, Choice, Purpose - thanks Ayn Rand, we'll see how that does.
Oh and thanks http://www.edbatista.com/2009/06/selfcoaching.html
Jul. 23rd, 2010 @ 04:22 pm
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Real Poetry
Real Life
Really me if it's deep and beautiful,when all evidence shows that I"m shallow, simple, not ugly, nothing so defined, plain. Healthy enough to attract the initial attention, but nothing more than that. No depth, no drive, ambition, meaning. A quick word, a gesture, satisfied the social contract with society and slipped through the cracks of personality.
meaningless.
Alone among the masses, only because of laziness and apathy. A total lack of energy to express the fleeting creative impulses that drive so many others to greatness.
What am I.
What do I mean...what am I worth...what am I meant for...how do I live this life?
I'm lost, and knowing how lost everyone else is gives me no solace
I still find myself trying to move ahead of them in the race
they know nothing, care nothing, are nothing to me
but I waste my life in the empty move towards 'we'
How can I form a 'we' with someone more driven, more alive?
can one with a life guide one with no energy, no drive?
Someday they'll all see how empty I am
they'll know and they'll leave me alone
abandoned for the real life, the dream
lost because you really are no one.
"I know it hurts, its painful to lose someone"
But what if you never had them?
what if you were waiting to share times when it would be easier,
too late.
What if I never found myself? What do I have to lose?
What can you lose when you have nothing real, losing illusion.
Lost Illusion
When it means something to breathe again
Never alone with yourself for long enough to remember
Really alone without yourself
Forever searching for an answer to an undiscovered question
New art
Thought
this, that, anything
Going but never there
Everything means something but nothing makes sense
Even I am lost
To you
Understanding is a fantasy
You saved me once before, but now, do I want you to save me?
Plans
Searching for a definition of something that is ruined by limits
Unbounded growth, random, cancerous or genius?
But from where does the growth stem?
what roots?
I can't find my roots, never looked right, don't know where to start
ha
ha
start
at the roots, buried underneath it all but continuously needing new sustenance to survive.
So where do I am my water?
Wow, look what watching one movie does to a girl...if only I could create real beauty, but that requires a step outside, looking back in, or further out, depending on your style...I'm still too trapped in I-don't-know-what to outshine the shit on our shoes.
A fragrant word to freshen the decay of life-smell, it could fertilize something if only a little sun and air get mixed in there.
May. 3rd, 2010 @ 10:11 pm
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I understand now why its been so hard to do stuff lately - first, yes, as I thought, I'm struggling a bit with settling into a fairly lame job far away from my man.
But also, and very important I think, the days are a microsecond shorter!! The earth is rotating faster because of the earthquake in Chile and the tilt is even 8 cm different - it's not just me this time, the WHOLE earth is out of equilibrium!! And I thought it was just menstrual - hah!
Mar. 5th, 2010 @ 12:26 pm
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Well lets see, since I posted last, I've gotten a job, gotten an apartment, been on leave, been to montana, set up a life in Fort Collins, run away to Laramie randomly (like last night), and basically started playing adult a little more convincingly for a bit.
Dear Raven has died. Nearly a year after Shadow. I cried for her outside of the Discount Tire on College and Prospect because that's when Mom told me - I relished the fact that I could cry for her in public, quieting the silly kids aways down the sidewalk; then clearing my head and walking back in and reading "Restless Mind, Quiet Thoughts" a journal of a Father's son who recorded his journey trying to figure out himself and his world during his 20s, and finally killed himself for some reason. I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'm a little scared to, lines in here will stay with me forever I think.
Even though my job has me sitting on my ass for 8 hours a day, I've avoided gaining weight! Not that I'm eating well by any means, pizzas and mac and cheese and such, but I am managing to work out enough I guess. Hopefully I'll be moving into a slightly more stimulating call-type soon, since this myth of being able to get a better job within the company will apparently take longer than I'd hoped, as does everything it seems.
Humanity is rearing its painfully beautiful head everywhere I look - struggling with the shifting of the Earth, and the shifting of the world of man, and the shifting of me. I am glad that I ... I'm mostly happy. Starting to look forward again, struggling to get out of bed in the morning because I don't work until 2 and I don't have too terribly much to be doing. Yes, I should develop a hobby or 5, figure out where to draw that creative energy from, and then use it to engage the world around me so that I can enjoy myself more no matter where I am. I want to be able to live in Laramie again, with J, but I can't go back here until I have myself a little more developed. I think that will take time, time which will hurt us and help us, make us stronger if it doesn't hurt too much.
Maybe after the summer we can work something out, maybe after he gets back from Moab, I'll be able to visit a few times, but the distance will be too much for a random Wednesday night to work out! But oh it will be such an experience for him, such a thing to remember and share and enjoy, suck it up baby because the rest of your life is gonna be dedicated to your future for a while. He knows, he made the right choice, 6 hours away instead of 3, but still, worth it.
I'm pretty and I make him happy. This is good. I love him. I know that. I don't know what I would do without him right now - but I am so glad we aren't rushing into things, because I think I could get to feeling trapped really quick at the moment. I might flee if I felt too tied down, even though my choices show how tied to him I am, there is a certain degree of interdependence that we haven't reached yet, and I think I'm not ready for it anyway, because it brings along all these thoughts of the future that I don't need. And he needs me which is nice, he's got his own failings that he kinda downplayed while I was scrabbling to keep a hold on sanity and the world, but he's struggling, and I wish I could be here to help more, but how much can two one legged people struggling to catch their balance really help support each other? And yes, we are both still on one leg, I thought I'd have the one of education and then get the other of a job, but the education side was way weaker than I thought (especially in this economy) so the job is pretty shaky. He's got his self a bit figured out, but the work that comes with a goal like his is a lot of weight on one leg while the other education/job one is forming. Messed up metaphor, but I'm not all sophisticated of a writer like some people - I wish I was sometimes, but I think it would require me to be a different person, more of somethings and less of others that I really cherish. I like getting called a hippy.
But anyway, I am even making friends in FTC enjoying my time and finally riding my bike a bit now that its warm. I'm so excited for the summer, there will be plenty of people, but I'd rather have people and variety in town than no people and that feeling of suffocative boredom that lingers in L-town.
I should really start cooking, eating like a healthy adult instead of subsisting on cereal and easy things...but gah!
2 paychecks or so and I'll be ready to live a normal, less stingy life, I think - I hope.
But I do need to pay my cable bill - crap!!
23 in less than a week - how crazy is that.
Family.
Love.
Life.
Mar. 4th, 2010 @ 08:35 am
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Well Athens was definitely better than Iraklion, and even the beach on Crete was better than the city!
So yes, we were pretty uninspired by Heraklion/Iraklion city on Crete - spending our first day (Tuesday) there wandering around and checking out the city, many streets of shops and squares with statues and really old walls. I was pretty grumpy, a bit hormonal perhaps, but just basically unhappy with the rudeness of people and the smells of city. Nervous or stressed parents trying to control all of our voyage from their perspectives...I should have ditched them but oh well. That afternoon I was lazy, reading a lot and just hanging out. I did go for a walk by the water though, I was laughed at for wearing a skirt while walking along this 2 km concrete breaker along an old wall. Just out to enjoy the evening was I, but apparently this was uncool to the frowning old people and laughing youngsters out to walk off their evenings...blah.
Wednesday we got to the ruins of Knossos palace, actually figuring out the buses and getting really crowded in there, I had to kinda hang over these other English speakers but I didn't feel too bad because the four of them took up all four of the back seats, ignoring the space on either side of them...if I was a little girl watching people crowd on like that I would have moved over to the table place and sat there leaning on my parents if necessary, not staring like a little spoiled brat. But oh well, the place was cool! It is amazing what can last, and what people can restore to look like it fits. But the history of that place was very interesting, I would like to read more since I didn't feel like paying 10 Euro for a stupid tour guide to go at their pace and have to fight with everyone else in my group for prime spots...no thanks. Oh well, mom and a salesman pressured me into buying a dress there, which does make me look hot, so I'll take it I suppose. Maybe I'll use it for a Halloween costume so that I can wear it once before next summer! We had dinner on the square near our hotel, eating at a cheap kebap place, the food was decent, but they had ketchup for your fries and people trying to sell you stuff. The one we went to the next night, right beside it, at least had mayo! I was surprised that my parents were so into the place, the food was really not that great, and it was just cramped. Europeans seem to have smaller bubbles than I do, or maybe they just pack everything in when it comes to tourists...ick!
It's so bloody cold in the West, wah, I really did like having shorts and mini skirts and sleeveless shirts and being fine all day and evening! Even though many of the Europeans were dressed for cold weather when I was perfectly comfortable, even hot, in my sleeveless shirts and skirts...I think that's supposed to be fashion or something - wearing fall clothing during fall ...in 80 or 90 degree weather? I think not! F Fashion.
Anyway, Thursday we did make it to the beach, only an hour bus-trip away, at the small town of Agia Pelagia or something like that, very steep roads and cool views! So I snorkeled around and saw some fish and urchins and dirty plants and such. It took me a little while to get used to breathing with a snorkel again, I gasped and had to control myself once I got my face in the water, it was a little cool. But since we couldn't rent flippers I did get to really swim around for a bit, using my arms was fun; salt water is sweet, you can float around all you want even without full gear! But once I did stop kicking for too long, I did get kinda cold when I was near the deeper water, and of course the sun had to go under a cloud for a while. Luckily it came back out for most of the time I was tanning/drying off on the beach, so I do have a slight bit more color to my skin than I used to, much more on my arms though, uneven tanning from doing too much real stuff instead of lying out under the sun - ah well. Lunch was fun with many cats interested in our food, I had just gotten a salad so they didn't like my feta, but they were happy with mom and dad's souvlaki. The bus was strange, we were told 3:00 but the sign said 3:15 and dad and mom freaked when a bus flew past at 3:00 without interest in us...luckily I had seen the sign because they were all ready to give up and go wait for the next one in the evening....but instead we waited for the 15 minutes and got on the bus that did stop hah! It started raining that night and we went to this rather trendy coastal place for dinner, I got an appetizer of finger food and really enjoyed myself!
It was basically an all day ferry to Athens on Friday, which is why I'm glad mom got us into the VIP seats - they had foot rests and tvs, I watched some MTV and some BBC to balance out the craziness - didn't work, the whole world is too crazy, media and news have almost equal parts sex and violence. The boat had a frigging helicopter pad! It was a good place to do a cartwheel and stare off at the water. I wanted to tan but the swimming pool was covered with mesh and there were a bunch of people around, so I just looked off at the water and pondered the world...mostly my world, but yeah. Live is scary when I let all the thoughts and questions wash over me, but the ocean has that hypnotic, calming effect. Even though I have the smallest urge to jump off into the foam, just to see if I can make it, just to get attention or something, I do like the ocean! I'm still a land-lubber though, I like mountains much more than waves - but I guess variety is the spice of life, so I'll have to keep myself free to travel as much as possible. Anyway,I got in a nice nap, mostly prone but a little bit of it curled up...I woke up with my feet completely asleep - and we had a good lunch and dessert for once on the boat. Then the Plaka was cool to walk through from the train, even though we didn't find a good place to eat for a while I did feel much better about Athens than Iraklion. I don't know how much of that was just the slow changing of gears from country to city, or if Iraklion really is that bad and the grocer that dad liked on Santorini was right, "get out of the city".
I was so excited to see the Parthenon, that classic place up on the hill, that I definitely chose the wrong footwear for a damp Saturday. I enjoyed the cool rain for the most part, hardly putting up my umbrella while we wandered around the ruins, looking at theaters and caves, tourists and cats. But it was raining hard enough once we started down from the actual Acropolis part that I had the umbrella up. And the white marble steps were slick enough that I slipped and fell hard with tractionless crocs. I was unhappy, stepping carefully, yet maybe 5 steps later heard me cursing and saw me falling again, hard, on my ass. So off came the shoes and I blinked back tears, just wanting to get away from the evil steps. I wasn't ready to leave and walk all the way back (ooh like a 15 minute walk) so we still went to the theater of Dionysus...really cool place, I had though that was the place where Yanni did his concert and all, but no, that's the acropolis auditorium, the theater of Dionysus is a bit more ruined, less comfy seats, but really cool. Just thinking of the weight of history on that place, Socrates, Aristophanes, etc..wow! So my sore ass and I got down alright, having a tasty lunch at a place just down the hill from the Acropolis which had a toothbrush dispenser outside of the bathroom.
I changed shoes, rested for a bit, felt my body throbbing from the trauma, but overall not in really serious pain, so I had hope. I decided to keep walking around, looking at gardens and shops and the 'baths' that were almost metro tunnels - amazing what progress unearths. They were gonna extend the metro and ended up finding ancient baths with steam rooms and all sorts of funky stuff - mind boggling to me! This sort of civilization is so different from the nomadic tribes and such which left much less impression on the land. But those tribes still have that much weight of history in their memories and stories and traditions, something that gives them a very different mind-set, I think, than the people who look at history in museums and then move on with their real lives. I wish I could keep the weight of history around my life a bit more, in my mind. Maybe things would go a bit smoother if I could contain thoughts like that and keep them fresh in my head and heart, instead of getting distracted and thinking about now and me and silly little things. The world is so big it scares me, but I don't want my world to be too small!
Anyway, that night the dinner was really good, mom picked out a place before she drank too much ouzo, and we ended up going there again the next night - in a city with so many places to eat, that says something!
Lets see that brings us to a very early Sunday. Delphi is about 3 hours away from Athens by bus, but there's an oracle there....so as pilgrammages go, s'not so bad! Mom and dad stayed there last time they went, so they knew it was worth it. Except that the actual oracle place and the temple to Zeus were closed for some reason :( Oh well, the museum was open, as was the sanctuary of Athena...so it was still a very nice time. And the city of Delphi was very pretty, only two main streets, so nice and cosy! So after all the cool culture and walking at the painful, museum pace, lunch was fun, and we got a few things at the jewelry store. I slept hard on the way back, probably breathing on the poor girl who sat next to me, but oh well.
The last day, Monday, was mostly great! Not long enough really, well, no, I needed another day, because I was footsore enough from walking around in my new greek looking shoes, trying to get to all the cool places at once. The ancient agora (market, but a place to meet as much as a place to buy/sell) was absolutely cool though, huge, and still in use 2500 years after it's original construction...the EU signed a treaty there in '03 - mind boggling! Walking out of there I saw a bunch of street vendors and found these sweet necklace-type things that everyone was intrigued by...I went back later and got a few more :). Then I walked enough to really hurt my feet, rushing to get back to the hotel and being a little lost. Sadly, my view of the Escher exhibit poster missed the "closed on monday" bit...so I walked all far again after lunch and ended up seeing a closed sign, just getting to peer into the shop at the cool looking books - wah! I'll have to look that thing up later, hopefully it'll travel and come closer to me. Nope, just looked it up, it came to a close in Athens...big bummer! Oh well, maybe I'll get a book.
So we walked around for our last dinner in Athens, ate by the Roman Agora with the cool Tower of the 4 winds and a good view of the Parthenon. We got little desserts and had a night cap on the roof garden of our hotel Plaka...most enjoyable. I got this ouzo and amaretto and coconut drink that was big and tasty. Then finished my packing (putting some stuff in 'big black' the cousin of 'big red' from mom's and my trip to france in 05), and slept for 6 or so hours in preparation for a 33 hour day (about 18 hours of travel and waiting in airports that turned into 20 or so because of delays at Chicago :(...I wandered around and people watched though so it was alright). I think I figured that, by the time we got to Arvada and home, I had slept 3 or 4 hours of the previous 26 or so. I was so tired and somewhat dehydrated that I could feel my body rejoicing at the horzontality of my bed. my pulse was healthier, my face was throbbing a bit. It was an interesting feeling.
Overall I'm so glad we did this trip, of course! I missed Jake so much that I know I shouldn't do this too often, but seeing him again will be very interesting, a busy guy and a fully mellow girl. I just hope we don't bicker like my parents, after some talks with Mom and Dad I know how much they love each other, how happy they are with each other, but god they're annoying when they bicker all the time. I'm reading dad's book, "A Circle of Quiet" by Madeleine L'Engle, which talks about love and life and many interesting philosophical points - crazy stuff this world!
The rest of October will be fairly low key, hanging with the Jake and enjoying myself, then November and December should hopefully be productive on the home front, and will lead me into a nice time in Ft. Collins I hope - the future does certainly freak me out right now!
Oh well, I'll be able to handle it I guess, can't really not now can I! I dunno how much I'll have to say on here, but we'll see, maybe I can express some of my thoughts someday, that'd be nice, try to shape a philosophy out of all my random mind-wanderings. But I think best when I'm walking and doing other things somehow ... whoops, time for dinner: dad's bbq chicken - hellz yeah!
Oct. 21st, 2009 @ 06:31 pm
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